Who Is This Match.com Chick?!
So I’m up now at 4:36 in the AdotMdot, a bit tipsy after drinking 40oz w/ my boy Dovoc (he broke up with his girl so we decided to get splackered) and I ride the L train home and notice that there is a severe lack of females out on this rainy Friday morning. Not a big deal and somewhat expected. So I get home and decide to do something I haven’t done in a while and check my myspace page. Mind you, I haven’t checked myspace since Jesus so I have a lot of spam and “Where the f*ck you been?” emails to contend with.
I’m going through this crapple and at the bottom corner of the page I see this match.com ad. I’ll be the first to tell you that aside from blogging, facebook and the occasional twitter, social networking baffles me. I can barely pick up a phone and say “Hello.” Anyway, I’m drunk and digressing.
I look in the corner of my myspace profile and I see this:
. . . And I’m like “Holy Bejeebus! This chick is beautiful.” Now aside from the fact that in this animation her mouth looks like it’s fighting back a horde of teeth, she has one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen, EVER and she got that “good hair” (she probably paid a pretty couple pennies for it). She looks like an American Apparel model: made up of every race in one human to the point where she becomes her own race; a super race of really hot females that will eventually enslave all mankind with eel-skin spandex and colorful tank tops. And she is actually NEAR ME.
Unfortunately, when you actually go on match.com to find her, you don’t. You do find a bunch of creepshow rejects and really lonely delusional people however. This is no disrespect to patrons of match.com but c’mon. . . Really? Whatever happened to going out to a bar and trying your hand analog style. Even if you strike out, you still have that same hand to jiggle the joystick with.
But again, I digress. I call B/S on match.com. Unless they can provide proof that this woman does in fact exist and is not a computer construct AND is willing to go out on a date with me, I place a voodoo hex on the owners and the whole staff there at match.com. No backsies!!!
I’ll probably lose all my SPL blog privaleges after this, but poo-poo on them. I’m just trying to be like Kanye and talk my s#it again.
Match.com Girl, I hate you. I love you.
- KAGE
